“If there is one take-home message from my story, it doesn’t come from me, it comes from Maya Angelou, who beautifully wrote, ‘Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.’”
~ Dr Stephanie Cacioppo
Happy Fall Friends,
Do you ever ignore the pile of work you have just to sit down and sort through your thoughts? Experts say the most successful people in business set aside time to do just this every day. Personally, I constantly have so many thoughts every hour of the day it would take weeks of writing and thinking to get it all out and sorted. But this morning, I am taking a moment to do some of that sorting and wanted to share my thoughts with you on an article that we recently came across while researching loneliness.
This 2022 article by Tim Lewis from The Guardian, “‘We cannot live without love’: when Dr Love met Dr Loneliness” presents an interview with Dr. Love herself, Dr. Stephanie Cacioppo. (https://www.theguardian.com/science/2022/may/15/we-cannot-live-without-love-what-happened-when-dr-love-met-dr-loneliness#img-1) Dr. Cacioppo is a neuroscientist and is the author of the book, Wired for Love: a Neuroscientist’s Journey Through Romance, Loss and the Essence of Human Connection. I find what she says intriguing, that our brains are literally wired to need love and connection. I’ve read this for years and I tell people this all the time in my work but to read this again in this context and with some recent events in my own life it has me pausing and reflecting this morning.
I often think that making and maintaining relationships as adults is one of the hardest things we can do for so many reasons. Busy lives, big transitions, not being able to be there for each other because...life - our roles as parents or caregivers, our health, work, etc. needing to be prioritized. By mid-adulthood we’ve had ins and outs with family and friends and have lost some of them through growing pains, distance, time, health, and unhealthy situations. We’ve possibly gained family, biological and/or chosen. We’ve dealt with discrimination and bias, have worked to learn and set healthy boundaries, and are learning how to take care of our selves.
All of this complex daily relationship effort has hopefully led to some really beautiful things. Unfortunately, the painful experiences that come along with having these relationships can also lead us to build some pretty big defenses for protection from the pain of real and perceived rejection. This is where a lack of connection could potentially grow into a more chronic situation that could be really harmful. We’re not always aware of our defenses or we are and get stubborn anyway. To top it off, these defenses can be strong as hell and are really good at convincing us that staying home, away from others, is safer than getting out and trying again to find someone we can relate to. Our fight or flight instincts can overpower our biological and neurological need for connection and love. While these instincts are trying to protect us, in the end they have the potential to harm our mental and physical health and have led to epidemic levels of loneliness and isolation.
With all the insane politics, discrimination, guilt, shame, and judgement coming at us from all directions in this world, combined with our human need to feel connection and belonging and the defenses we’ve built around ourselves, I think we are all pretty damn exhausted. And that cozy blanket and couch are looking pretty good. I totally get it and am right there with you a lot of days even though I founded and am directing Social Tinkering. But we need to keep trying to connect with each other. For the sake of our own health and survival and for our world’s overall health we need to turn our defenses into healthy boundaries, brush ourselves off, and try to get out and connect with others. We need friends. We need love and connection to survive this crazy world.
We know you're getting ready to hibernate for the long winter days. We invite you to balance the cozy hibernation with some socialization, to bravely come out as you are, sweatpants included, and try with us. Come be part of a community-wide movement towards growing meaningful connections that help us all thrive. Try out our monthly Gather Together social or check out our Women’s Circle, or one of our other soon-to-be-launched socials. If not our events, go to one that resonates with you more. At the end of the day we are in this together. We’re all socially awkward, tired, and a little scared at times, but we are also silly and real and we can create space and encouragement for each other to bravely build trust and connection one more time. Hopefully we’ll see you soon friends!
Sincerely,
Jeanette
(Head of Tinkering, Founder & Director at this Human Connection Project)
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